Friday, February 15, 2008

I genuintely do not know what the point is.

You can tell I'm starting to freak out when I start looking at graduate schools.

My life needs a spark.

I've got a good set-up here, and an equally good set-up back home in Columbus (and I suspect if I moved on to another location that I'd find a niche there as well). By good set-up, I mean a job opportunity, living arrangements, friends, and a comfortable metropolis. Yes, I could stay here. That would not be difficult. Yes, I could go back home. That would not be difficult, either. And furthermore, I believe it wouldn't be that difficult to try living somewhere new altogether.

BUT. All those things are a good base for a life. A good base for living does not a life make.

It's like the part in Dead Poets Society where Mr. Keating describes the studies the boys of Welton are going after -- let me paraphrase: "Medicine, Law, Business: all noble pursuits. All necessary to sustain life. But poetry, art, [whatever]-- those are the things we stay alive for."

I'm still looking for the spark. The poetry. The art. The [whatever].

Let's say I went back to Columbus and got some nice job in a lab. I'd have my family and friends, and a nice church, a good city to live in, and all that. I could make myself content if I had to. I could be "happy."

But the pursuit of plain, generic "happiness" is not enough for me. I need a point.

I'd have to ask myself-- why did I go back? Or, why did I stay in Richmond? Because it was easy? Because of the laws of inertia? Because I knew people there and knew I'd have a cushy-but-just-okay job to depend on?

Well, shoot-- on that wavelength, let's say I just take the ol' plunge-a-roo and go to grad school or take a job in a new place. Okay, why did I move to this new place? Because I was just seeking another thrill or adventure? Because I wanted to try and outrun whatever it is that's keeping me from having a sense of fulfillment?

Now, which of those "because"-s am I willing to live with? Do I keep looking for something that may not even exist, or wait until it finds me, or what?

1 comment:

BYao said...

darling...though i would like to vote for you to come back to C-bus....don't settle for less! You will know what to do when the time comes to decide! And remember, only HE can open doors that no man can open and close doors that no man can shut. ;)