Tuesday, February 5, 2008

In this case, the answers are not in the back of the text.

This morning I got my Virginia driver's license. The quality of photography is a dramatic improvement over my last Ohio license, but still-- when it comes to me vs. the license picture, I always lose.

I worried about the implication this has, this whole getting-a-VA-license thing. In short, I had a nagging feeling that it would mean, "HA HA, NOW YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE!" Which, obviously, it doesn't.

But what if I stay?

I'm really being forced to take a sense of ownership over my life. I was always content to let my life flow along the course dug out by other people's decisions. As much as I'd love for someone to tell me exactly what car to buy, for example, nobody's going to do that (which is essentially good, because it just means that the people in my life respect my need to become an independent adult who makes her own mistakes).

And yet I keep fishing for direction from other people. Because if it's someone else's direction that I follow, then I never really have to make a stand for anything I do. It's so much easier for me to say "I took this job because that's where they placed me" rather than "I chose to be here." I'd rather say "this is the car everyone said I should get" than "this is the car I wanted."

I'd rather say "this is the life that seemed to fit in the best with everything else that was going on" than "this is the life I chose to live." Sick, isn't it? Passivity is so comfortable. I really don't think this is how it's supposed to be. The life I live is supposed to be one I wanted and tried to achieve, not one that just sort of happened as a result of other people's good intentions.

We're supposed to lead lives crafted from decisions, not from indecision.

... right? NO! Don't answer that. See, there I go again.

I have the biggest headache...


eatpraylove said...

two words: convertible beetle

Christine said...

re. finding a way to get somebody to tell you what you have to do so that you can do it, on a big-decision scale: you may be interested in the HBO program "In Treatment." You can watch it online for free, just go to the HBO site. It's great. It takes awhile for this theme to surface in the show, but it's handled pretty interestingly so far, on at least four of the five plot lines.