Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Just keep beating.

One morning I just lay in my bed, letting my weltschmerz and existential anxiety get the better of me. (seriously... google "weltschmerz"-- it's a great term.)

The way my arms were crossed allowed one of my hands to rest in the middle of my ribcage on one side. My thumb laid snugly right against a vein. Everything was silent in the room, including my mind, at the moment. I just felt the vein beating.

I started to think about something else. When that train of thought finished, I noticed the beating of the vein again. Still going. It just kept going whether I paid attention to it or not. Each beat was as strong as the last one. Somehow, that made me feel hopeful.

If I want to be a scientific wet blanket, I can attribute it to automatic, involuntary nerve tissue and acetylcholine receptors and the like. Looking at it that way does nothing for a frustrated outlook on life.

And yet, even with that knowledge in the back of my mind, it doesn't keep me from feeling just a little comfort and strength from the perseverence of that little vein. It's like... sometimes I'd like to stop going and just fade into an easy repose. But my vein doesn't stop. It keeps going. It beats again and again.

Maybe it knows something I don't.

1 comment:

DaForeigner said...

Just keep on trucking! I guess that's what that little vein is doing, no matter what, just keep on doing what your suppose to do. I feel ya on just wanting to fade back some at times. Things get overwhelming a lot, and sometimes not knowing the best way to handle the situation or fully understanding what is going on causes me to feel like "fading" at times.

On a side note: Ich kann Deutsch nicht sehr gut schreiben, aber viel besser lesen. Mein gramatik ist immer nicht korrect. Hopefully that made some sense as well! :P

That's awesome that you took German, I can practice with ya now!

Rob