home is where the mattress is

I came home from "home" this morning.

When I was with my friends and family, it seemed like I had never left Ohio. Walking around Easton with Beth was just like it had been the last time we walked around Easton. Lunch with Mary and dinner with Tami gave the same satisfaction it did back when I lived in Columbus. And, as usual, I didn't want to leave town to come back when I had to. But the minute I stepped into the Richmond airport, I was quite comfortable with being back here.

It's nice that it isn't a big ordeal, going back and forth from "home." I do entertain the thought of staying here after my fellowship is over (although I would not stay here long-term unless I had a very good reason-- I currently do not have one). I think it would be relatively easy to live here and still keep Ohio in my life.

Of course, I miss living life with my friends. But that may be a cost I should consider paying one day, because I have to go where the future is.

I still worry about what my decisions will do to the people who hope I'll do one thing or another. Honestly, sometimes all I want is for everybody to be happy (with me?). I know what a stupid thing that is to hope for, because it'll never happen. And I know that's not the point of making decisions about your own life. But I feel bad when people are disappointed, whether it was something I could have helped or not.

I spend a lot of time feeling bad about everything. I feel bad that people do asinine things to people who don't deserve such treatment. I feel bad that, half the time, I'm the one doing (saying) asinine things to the people who don't deserve it. I feel bad that the things we love can't stay the same and the things we hate, we can't make go away. I feel bad that it's just impossible to make people happy-- really happy-- with light entertainment and pop culture references.

I'd like it if the guilt complex could go away. Simple logic has, to date, not been enough to do so.